confusion grows bigger…
i thought i would be really happy this week but so far its been nothing but misery…don’t get me wrong the may ball at the weekend was brilliant – i loved it all and had a great time, it just brought me down that it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea – not my fault i suppose. next year they can fuck off somewhere else haha
so since then my time has been filled with stupid arguments, essays, art work and sleep.
the arguments have been what’s got me down the most…i just don’t understand things anymore – its like everything just suddenly changed over the past week or so. I’ve even been having serious arguments with people i don’t even really know. Some of them are actually making me reconsider what i previously thought was true – my beliefs in people, and my beliefs in myself.
i handed my Expression and the Arts essay in on Friday – it was pure shite, but it will do…i was stressing more about my pre-op assessment that afternoon, which went okay – it mainly just freaked me out even more. i’m going to be in tears that week.
art project was due today, and strangely i haven’t really stressed about it at all – which is a major contrast from previous art projects at college and stuff where i’d make myself ill with stress. Actually talking about this is making me stress a bit, so i’m gonna stop – i don’t wanna start regretting the work i’ve handed in that i was previously so fucking proud of.
finally, my sleep pattern lately has been terrible…i’m constantly falling asleep and then not being able to sleep when i really need to 
it’s just adding to the stress atm…
…the biggest of which lately, is that my relationship is falling apart and i don’t know why.
all i want to do right now is talk…just sit down and talk to someone about everything…cause its wrecking my head.
but i cant.
the people i’m closest to are either busying themselves with uni work, more preoccupied with going out and getting wasted or are completely avoiding me. it’s just really not helping.
i give up for today…i dont want to do anything and i dont want to see anyone.
the depressive period is setting in again…
x
“I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster
I know, the last in line is always called a bastard
I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster”
- Placebo “i know”
times of late.
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
It’s the wrong time for somebody new
It’s a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don’t shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right, yeah, with you?
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It’s the wrong time she’s pulling me through
It’s a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
Is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
And is that all right, yeah?
Is that all right?
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
No?
9 crimes – damien rice
i have to say this is one of my favourite songs, there is just so much emotion in it that its impossible for you not to feel something when listening to it….it always makes me think.
so i’ve noticed that my blogs are getting less and less frequent :/ thats not really a good thing…i need to have an outlet. Lately i have been using a good friend for this but its not fair anymore…i’ve started treating him like some sort of therapist and i can’t keep that up. Right, as soon as this art project and essay are out the way i’m gonna start this blog again properly – in the way that i originally intented for it to by wrote.
updates since last post:
had my date for the op finally – 21st may…2 weeks before RAGE and download…and i’m supposed to have a 6 week healing period after the op so looks like i’m going them on crutches or in a serious amount of pain haha ….think i’ll choose to drink through the pain to be honest 
i’m definitely feeling alot more confident about this uni work now handed the first essay in today, so just 2 more to go…as well as the art project but thats going pretty well, finished 3 major pieces so not got much more to do to it now
going back home again tonight…need to earn some money and sort out things for the operation too..should be fun.
may ball in a week… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :)
nice girly night out on monday …hopefully will make up for the party i’m missing this weekend
what else? hmmmm… i dunno, latelys just been filled with stress, fun times with people, laughter, beer garden afternoons and a few conversations of a serious nature…bit mixed really. not sure what’s going to happen over the summer though…
x
arghhhh :’(
i hate this…fucking hospitals, crappy uni postal service, complete an utter fuck up.
i also have no idea how i’m going to get all this art work to uni tomorrow :/ ….may require several trips. Can’t wait till tuesday night when i can have a break again haha
night x
Easter break
i’ve been home for nearly two weeks now and not alot has happened :/ …had complete lack of contact with mates from stoke with is fucking shit to be honest but mehh – if they can’t be arsed then neither can i I suppose working at towers has taken over most of the easter holiday…and yet again, same as all previous seasons, this year sucks. i think this one is going to be the worst though…i can feel it. this is going to be the last season i do at towers – i don’t think i can stand it anymore. I think the weekends event proved that to me…in case you didn’t know i dislocated my knee again – only this time i did it at work at the end of my shift…i don’t really wanna go into it but the way certain people have acted about it has made me realise that this years staff is just not the same…there’s too much of a divide between the workforce and its affecting us all. end of moan. time for some happy comments.
parents went away at the weekend (Y) – i failed to do anything fun/interesting with my empty house though due to trying to earn some money :/ ah well
i’ve only just started really cracking on with my mountain of work from uni, but i’m actually looking forward to some parts – just gotta get the essays out the way as well…
i am really looking forward to this summer…which for me will start in about 4 weeks NO MORE ESSAYS. RAGE FACTOR. DRUNKEN TIMES. DOWNLOAD. SUN. PLENTY OF TIMES WITH MATES. 20TH BIRTHDAY. BEER GARDENS. INCOME. JORDY. FRANCE. FAMILY. 3 YEARS. NEW HOUSE.
anyway it’s sunny outside and i fancy a drink x
“Live life in overdrive
Lost love in suicide
Godzilla
Find ways to sanitise
Clean mind no overtime
Godzilla
We are the paranoid
Suck life until you die
Godzilla
Godzilla”
don’t ask why but when i think of summer this is always the song that i hear in my head.
:(
Being at home is boring me…and i’ve only been back one day
gahhhhh the next few weeks are gonna be fun(!)
